releasing the future

It may be odd to think about releasing the future since no one can predict it. However, I believe many of us if not all of us try to control it and direct our steps today so that we will arrive where we want to be in the future. I am very much guilty of doing this in my life, trying to make sure I don't get off the path I've created for my life.

Well God is revealing to me that this is, simply put, sin. I don't want sin in my life, but giving up control of my life to him is not easy, and I really don't know how to do it. I believe I will continue to give up pieces of control to Him for the rest of my life.

As far as my future is concerned, I am anxious about it. All of the uncertainties and unknowns that will follow this constant known as college. Upon graduation where do I go, what do I do, who do I hang out with? All of these thoughts run through my head.

Well I feel very strongly that God has called me to ministry in the local church and that my path is heading to that destination. However, that's about as much control as I have given God. I still want to control where I go, who I work for, what ministry I get to do, and who I can impact.

Wow, that sounds super selfish and stuck up when I see it written down.

But I don't feel selfish. If you ask me about my future I will tell you (and have been telling others) that it's completely in God's hands and that he will place me in the right church. However I have always in my mind been truly saying, "God will put me in the perfect church for me and I won't have to deal with problems because that ministry and my personality will be a perfect match." Now that is selfish.

This weekend I went back home to Victorville and talked with my family and pastors from my home church. I was very encouraged to talk about my passions, future, ministry desires and church's in general. This may not seem like a big deal but what happened in my heart this weekend was a big deal.

I released my home church to God as a place I would be willing to work in the future. Since feeling God's call to ministry I have always had the unspoken (and possibly spoken at times) understanding that I would never move back home and do ministry in the church I grew up in. What I really was saying was, I don't trust you God and I think that the best church for me is not this church.

By releasing this church to the Lord I feel like I am closer to being able to say, "Lord send me" and truly mean I am willing to go wherever. I don't know if that will happen soon, where I am able to release my whole future to Him, but I am praying and working toward that end.

And to clarify for anyone close to me that may be reading into this, I am not saying I want to work at the church I grew up at. I am just ecstatic that my heart is now much closer to being ok with working where God wants me to work.

I am now saying "Lord, please place me in the perfect ministry for your kingdom, not for my personal comfort." Please pray for me that this will be true in both my heart and in my future and that I continue to release my future to Him since he already knows it!